The night I hopped into my mom's shoes...

This will most likely be categorized as a journal entry-type post than any of my previous ones. Tonight was a night that I will probably remember for a long time. It was a bit of a tester for me as an adult and as a nanny.

Last week Barth mentioned to me that he would probably throw a party at the house on his 15th birthday, which happens to land on a weekend where I had sole guardianship. I laughed it off thinking that it would never happen. Well a couple of days later, the mother mentioned to me that he would do it but that there were strict rules. I felt a little bit better about having rules, but I was still very nervous and anxious. Think about this: I don't speak French and most of his friends do not speak English. About 96.2% (maybe a slight exaggeration) of the 15 year olds in Paris smoke and drink alcohol. The rules went as follows:

1) No smoking (of any substance)
2) No alcohol
3) Only 20 people max (however, grace would be given if maybe it got up to 23)

Also, I would have to be with the two younger children in the parents room for five full hours with limited means of entertainment. Lastly, if something happened, I would be responsible. However, if that happened, I would be able to handle it if I were in an English-speaking country, but I'm not. I made Barth very aware of my concerns over the last week. Reiterating at every chance, just so that it was clear.

The party would begin at 8:00pm and a friend of his came over at 6:00 to help get food and set up. We brought out a bigger table, removed the valuables and breakables from the living room, rearranged the furniture, put the candies and food in dishes, cups on the table, and the napkins aesthetically presented. A friend showed up with his music mixing table and strobe light. What?!? Then a few more started trickling in. I got Zac and Verena in the parent's room with some snacks and games and the computer to watch a couple of films. I wanted to respect Barth and give him some privacy with his friends, but made it clear that I would make a walk-through every half-hour or so.

More people began showing up. I sent Verena in to count the amount of people. I gave Barth the first warning for the loud noise. It was so loud, we could not hear the movie on my computer. He kind of rolled his eyes and said "Okay, alright..." and didn't do much about it. I pulled him aside again and said, "This will be the last time that you treat me disrespectfully. Do not try to act cool around you friends by being rude to the person in charge. Remember who I am and that you love me and think I am the coolest person you know." He laughed and nodded.

Verena came back and said she counted around 30 people. Strike one. We went back into the parent's bedroom and continued on with movie, The Nanny Diaries. We made it through another twenty minutes before I got really fed up with the noise. I went to the hallway door and peeked through to see if Barth was close-by so that I could have him turn down the music. The DJ didn't speak English, so I didn't bother telling him. Yes, the DJ. One kid came by me and asked if I wanted him to find Barth and I said "Oui, s'il tu plait." I waited. I waited. I was getting odd glances from some girls and guys that seemed overly conscious that I was there. Then I noticed a cigarette. I will not tell you the phrase that entered my head when I saw that, but it went something like this, "Oh, hail NO!"

This was when I turned into my mother. I walked through the room, passed the smoke, down the hallway to Barth's room. I will say that I had horns and a trudge. People were going down the stairs, up the stairs, and I pushed my way through. I saw him sitting on his bean bag and two guys around him smoking near the open window and others gathered around. Again I will not say the phrase that went through my head, but it again resembled "Oh, hail NO!" I said "Barth, " and he glanced up at me and I knew there was a phrase he wanted to say, which resembled something like "Oh ----!" Then I said, "The party is OVER!" I was shaking. I was so furious. I walked up his stairs, back down the hallway and saw the smoker. She was kind of leaning against a wall. I grabbed the cigarette out of her hand and when I did it she began cussing at me in French, not realizing that nanny was the one that did it. I put the cigarette out in the sink and gave her a look. I so badly wish I could have asked her if she would have ever lit up in her own home. If not then what right does she have to do it in someone else's. I went to the room and called the mother. No answer so I left a shaken message. I called my friend Alexia to ask her advice. She said, "Pull Barth aside and tell him that he has ten minutes to clear everyone out of the house." I did exactly that and he respected me and did as I asked.

As I was waiting near the house door when a girl came up to me and said, "Excuse-moi," she knew that I didn't speak French and I could gather that she didn't speak English, "me, um, there, stupid...sorry." I think she was saying, "I am sorry. What happened in there was stupid and I am sorry." I thought that was very sweet of her to try and communicate that when all the rest of them just grabbed food, stomped through the house and left, talking about the next party they were going to with little regard to anything else.

Once everyone left, except cousin Ary, Barth came into the parent's room. He sat across from me and just said nothing. I could see in his eyes that he was very sorry. I told him, "I am so furious with you. You know how uncomfortable I was with all of this." At this time I began to cry from all the stress and emotion that had built up. I thought he was about to cry also and said "I am so sorry! People started coming that I didn't even know. Then I told them to put out the cigarettes and they wouldn't and I didn't know what to do. There were too many people for me to watch. Now everyone is going to someone else's party. I am sorry." He left and I thought more about it. I knew that he was genuinely sorry. I called my mom to vent and get some advice. I thought about mothers and daughters and how there is a time in their relationship where you build another level of bond. I think it happens when the daughter becomes a mother and gets to a point where she is lost and has no clue what to do, but she knows her mother went through it. My mother went through this. She calmed me down a bit.

I went out to the living room to see it in a state of disaster. Barth asked if he could go out. I said "Are you serious? You are kind of in trouble." I remembered that it was his birthday. I called Alexia again for more advice. I asked if I should let him go out. She said, "What would your mom do?" I said, "Well first of all, I would have never done something like this. But, if I did, she would help me clean (doing most of the work herself) while lecturing me on why she was so disappointed, and then giving me permission to go out. However, I would have felt so guilty because she was so nice and understanding that I would end up staying in and feeling bad." Alexia and I laughed because she said her mom would have done the same thing. So that's what I did. And that's what he did as well.

I called my mom afterward to tell her of the latest. She said that I needed to tell his parents that he was respectful. He would get in trouble, absolutely, but that I could really help by letting them know that he handled it maturely. That's when I felt lucky. Advice like that isn't innately known. It only comes from experience and age. How lucky am I that I get it now, before I have my own children, and at a time when I can help a teenager get through the toughest years of his life. I almost feel honored to be at this place, with this family, at this time.

I walked back into the living room and told Barth to put the lamps back and put away the big table, then he and Ary could watch a movie and relax and enjoy the rest of his birthday. I cleaned for a couple of hours, washed the white antique table cloth with cola stains, ironed it and thought about what I learned while I did it. I learned that Barth really is an amazing kid. With as many times as he slips up and does something silly, he is a good kid. He is hard on himself too. I don't need to make it worse by lashing out and highlighting the mistake. I got a text from his parents apologizing for not being reachable, but that they were furious with him. I wrote back to tell them that everything was fine and that I was actually very proud of Barth for respecting me and sending everyone home when I asked and for accepting responsibility for all of it. They said that they were thankful for my wise response. Afterwards, I told Barth about the text messages and reiterated how proud I was of him. His parents would come home and be very upset with him, but that my comments would hopefully diffuse most of their disappointment. He said, "Big hug?" We hugged for a long time and he apologized and told me thanks.

After his movie was over we spoke more about what happened. About smoking and why it's really not cool. I talked about what it was like for me in high school. I didn't party or drink and I know that I was probably made fun of for it. I can't say that it wasn't hard, because it was. However, now that I am at the stage of life I am in, I am so thankful that I made it through that time and resisted. I told him that disrespect and the "coolness" of rebellion and smoking and drinking may seem like a temptation, but that if he just makes it through this time without giving in, he will find himself glad in years to come. If he is disrespectful now, then he will not be respected in his future. He is at an age where he is making some huge decisions that will change his life. Addictions such as smoking and drinking start off as a way to fit in, but end up clinging to you till your end. I pleaded with him to listen to my experience and heed it rather than learning it for himself. He said that he learned alot tonight and plans to never throw a party again.

In the moments of my rage, I didn't expect that I would be thankful it all happened. Nothing serious happened, but it was really the first time that I felt like I could handle motherhood. I can understand why it's something that parents absolutely love. You are shaping a life. That's why it's so scary also. However, that's why it's so rewarding. Until you are in these shoes, you can never understand how your parents walked in them.